My Story Continued

When my sister and I were around the ages of 10 and 11, our Mother had moved in with a man, Bill M. who's girlfriend had just left him. To begin with everything was fine, he treated us kids well, and spent time doing things with us like a family, but it didn't last very long before he turned out to be just like the rest.

As usual, our Mother worked nights and we were left with him while she worked. He always liked to play games and so did I, so usually at night I would stay up and play games with him while my brother who was 5 years younger than me and my sister went on to bed. We would play Aggravation and TV Tennis, which was fine to start with, but it didn't take him long to move on.

After a couple of weeks then he started molesting me. I tried to stop it, but the truth is that I didn't know how, not to mention I wasn't that big or strong. I knew I couldn't go to my Mother and tell her because she wouldn't even believe me, so I just kept it to myself and it only got worse.

In no time it went from molestation to rape and I fought it even harder but that only made matters worse. The more I fought it the worse it got so I stopped trying to fight it and just let it happen. I would just lay there and stay focused on something else. This happened anywhere from once to three times a week for a period of about 2 years.

All of the sudden one night he told me and my brother we had to go to bed and told my sister that since she was the oldest, she could stay up and watch a movie she wanted to watch. I never thought anything of it until about 2 weeks later. I got on the bus one afternoon after school and my sister didn't. I got home and Bill picked me up and said we had to go up to HRS, we got there and that's where my sister was. That night Bill let her stay up late to watch a movie, he raped her.

She had got a hold of our Dad who we hadn't seen in a couple of years and told him what happened, and he took her to HRS and dropped her off to report him. They got in touch with Mom and she went up there and assured them that my sister was lying. They said Bill or us one had to be removed from the home, so Bill moved out which turned out only to be temporarily.

We all went home and she started in on my sister about lying and just tore her up emotionally. She was even giving her, her prescription Valium to make her sleep and when she wasn't sleeping, Mom was lecturing her on lying, sex, her sex life with Bill and how she would know if Bill was having sex with anyone else, and that it would be impossible for Bill to have sex with her as big as he was without someone knowing it. This went on and on for two weeks and she wouldn't allow my sister to go to school during this time. She wasn't allowed out of the house or to talk with any of her friends, her conversations with me were even limited and supervised.

The final break through was for my sister to go to HRS and tell them she lied and did it for attention and to sign a statement which my sister did. She also wrote a letter to my Dad in which my sister had to copy in her writing, saying that she lied to him about Bill raping her and mail it to my Dad to where Bill could move back in. My sister did this because it was the only thing she could do at the time to have any type of normal life. Then she had to write an apology letter to Bill apologizing for accusing him of something he didn't do. Once this was done, the hell ended for our so called Mother and Bill. Bill moved back in and he never touched me or my sister again.

I know many are probably asking and wondering the same thing I have myself, back then and over the years. Through it all, I had what it took to help my sister and prove that it wasn't just her. I was questioned and I lied. I was scared and I saw what my Mother was putting my sister through and I didn't want to be put through the same thing.

I didn't do what was right, I live with that everyday but at the time I did what I felt I had to do to protect myself. My Mother is a very cruel, sadistic person. I was 11 years old, a very shy person and for the most part kept to myself. I took the easy way out and my sister and I have talked about this, there are things we both could have done to help each other growing up that we didn't do, but we were young, we're older now and we understand why we each reacted the way we did and we don't hold it against each other.

Shortly after that, things didn't work out between Mom and Bill so we moved. During the summer my sister and I had to take turns babysitting for Mom's cousin Sheila two weeks at a time during the summer. To start with it was nice, it was like a vacation away from Mom. Sheila had a boyfriend living with her and I guess at this point in our life my sister and I felt like we were walking around with a tattoo on our forehead saying molest me!!!

My sister and I just figured out this past weekend that we had this one in common also, I was talking about him and she reacted in like no, not you too. I said yeah. His name is Al N. and to me he is no better than the rest, although I have to give him some credit in not taking it any further than molestation, but that was enough. There's nothing much to say about him other than he's just as sickening as all the rest.

We both just found out early in life that telling our family did no good, we were called liars and these were our family secrets that was to be left untold. My Grandmother passed away just before Christmas in 1993, and that leaves me happy. Why do I say such a thing? Well, at the time I took it pretty hard, probably worse than anyone, but since then a lot of repressed memories have surfaced and I know I could not love her today the way I did back then with all I know of her own actions in the bloody mess my life was and she had her part in it. I though I was close to my Grandmother, I was even by her side when she took her last breath and scolded because I cried, because I felt pain for the loss of someone I loved so much but now I know it was all just another lie.

Not only through my childhood did my Mother fail to protect me from others, she also failed to protect me from herself. In my opinion, the worse kind of incest that exists is when you can't even trust your own parents.

This is what happened to me, my own Mother molested me. This is really hard for me to talk or even write about, I'm not even sure where to begin. The memories of this have just devastated me to no end.

I don't have many memories of this, but to the best of my recollection it happened at least twice. Once when I was around the age of 3 and again when I was around the age of 9. It could have happened before the age of 3 and I just don't have any memory of it and it could have happened more than twice between the ages of 3-9 and I have just blocked it out and don't have any memories of it.

I can't explain them, and I don't understand them. Blocked memories that is, but I do know that they can come out of nowhere and tear your life apart if you let them. When the memories surfaced of my own Mother molesting me, I was on vacation with a friend. We had went to Ft. Meyers, FL to spend a week at the beach.

The first thing I did was to get drunk, I was just devastated and the pain I felt was just too much, but then again, so was getting drunk. I was just looking for a way to get rid of the pain within me, it was a pain like I have never felt before.

I got drunk, I got sick and I cried and when it was all over I hadn't accomplished anything. The pain is still there along with the memories/flashbacks. It probably always will be there. There is just something about my own Mother molesting me that doesn't settle right within me and I have a real problem dealing with it.

I am still finding out the hard way that drinking and getting drunk is not the answer. It only makes more problems. Maybe it is taking me a while to figure that out, but I am a survivor and I'm not going to let alcohol take me down. What my Mother did to me was sick, incestuous and cruel, I have to live with what she did to me every day. Her, she has to live without me and her granddaughter in her life.

Throughout these years we also suffered an enormous amount of physical and emotional abuse from our Mother. There just isn't enough room on this site for me to write about everything.

When I was 14, I had about all I could handle, my Mother and brother were both beating on me and something inside me just made me fight back. The first chance I had I took off and got to a neighbors house in which she called the law. They came out and picked me up and took me in, they took pictures of all the bruises, welts, scratches and my busted mouth and then took me to an emergency shelter home. Less than a week later, they took my sister from the home and brought her to the emergency shelter home where I was.

I went from there to a foster family which was the start of a whole new life for me. I was with a family that had family values, they loved and cared about each other and they accepted me for who I was. I then went and lived a couple of years with my Dad. That was 22 years ago, they are still part of my family today. I couldn't ask God for a more treasured gift.

I had the misfortune of being born into an incestuous family that goes back for generations. They stole my innocence and left me with emotional scars that I'm not sure I will ever truly, completely heal from. But I'm not giving up, I'm not giving them my future and I'm not keeping their secrets secret any more. I am finding out that healing doesn't take place over night, it's a slow process and I'm in for the long haul.

Now I sit here with tears in my eyes with disbelief that I had the strength in me to write about this. It has been very hard for me, but if it helps just one person then it is worth every falling tear drop, and every waking moment spent working on this site. It is worth it because if it touches the heart and life of one person, my goal has been accomplished.

Thank you all for taking the time to visit my site and read my story. May God Bless Each and Every One of You!!!